***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
