my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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