Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
