Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
