My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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