how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize