i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
