white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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