I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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