there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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