So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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