He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
