I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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