When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
