He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
