I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
