if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I will pee on everything he values.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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