her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize