i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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