No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
