we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
