I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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