the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
