remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
