You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
