I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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