sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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