i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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