I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
