Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
