I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
