Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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