A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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