Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
