she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
