I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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