Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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