theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
