Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
