1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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