My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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