Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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