At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
