meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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