Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
As shirtless as possible
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
