Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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