I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no you cant smoke seaweed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
