did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
