i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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