M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
