Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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