omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
