Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize