mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
