i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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