And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
