are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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